August 2008
“Our country is sick. We need a doctor, not a soldier.”
—Our exceedingly eloquent DC cab driver
“My mother was born before women could vote. But in this election my daughter got to vote for her mother for President. This is the story of America.”
—Hillary Clinton (I love her SO much)
“It’s hard to blame Sen. Clinton for being bitter. Here she is, the smartest human ever, PLUS she spent all those years standing loyally behind Bill Clinton wearing uncomfortable pantyhose (I mean Hillary was, not Bill) (although there are rumors), PLUS she went to the trouble and expense of acquiring a legal residence in New York State so she could be a senator from there, PLUS she assembled a team of nuclear-physicist-grade genius political advisors, PLUS she spent years going around to every dirtbag community in America explaining in detail her 23-point policy solutions for every single problem facing the nation including soybean blight. And after all that, she loses the nomination to a guy who has roughly the same amount of executive governmental experience as Hannah Montana. Hillary is like: ‘Are you KIDDING me?’”
—Dave Barry: The DNC’s on, let the drama begin - 08/24/2008 - MiamiHerald.com (via mikehudack)
Play
“There’s nothing in this world so wonderful as an American toilet.”
—my globe-trotting friend Lydia
I take it you already know,
Of tough and bough and cough and dough.
Others may stumble, but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, laugh and through.
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps.
Beware of heard, a dreadful word,
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead - it’s said like bed, not bead,
For goodness’ sake, don’t call it ‘deed’!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt).
A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there’s dose and rose and lose –
Just look them up – and goose and choose.
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword.
And do and go and thwart and cart –
Come, come, I’ve hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Why man alive!
I’d mastered it when I was five.
Play
After watching the men’s diving for hours tonight, I shed my clothes while getting ready for bed. At that moment, I felt as if I was poised to do a triple somersault for the US team.
Then I looked in the mirror and thought, Man, that would make a lot of splash.
