24 Free Dinners
August 2008
“We’ve begun to raise daughters more like sons… but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters.”
—Gloria Steinem
“We’re all born into a cult. It’s called your family.”
—My friend Sara
I saw Stepbrothers yesterday and laughed just as hard as my 13-year-old brother.
Updated to add: I saw Stepbrothers again today. I am a 13-year-old boy.
July 2008
Play
“How to make it (oral sex) more pleasant for you? Brush your teeth first. Everything will taste, ahem, fresher—and, bonus, he’ll enjoy a tingly sensation.”
—
Glamour Magazine, January 2007, “30 Things Every Woman Should Know About Sex By Age 30”
(Every woman should also know that brushing your teeth creates tiny cuts in your mouth that open you up—literally—to infections like HIV. This is why porn stars use mouth wash. But thanks anyway, Glamour. Good tip.)
- rachwark: did they list you as a blogger in your article, by the way?
- rachwark: they did right?
- WangstaMcPimp: yep
- rachwark: cuz that could be basically the entire cause of the fury right there
- WangstaMcPimp: i think that was a HUGE part
- rachwark: blogger is on par with performance artist i think
- rachwark: one step above homosexual or atheist
- Me: Can someone explain to me the difference between Gordy and Babe?
- Devin: Psh! Where do I start??
- Nick: Yeah! You can't even compare 'em!
- Me: Wait, you can't compare two movies about a talking pig? The only two movies about a talking pig?
“The best part of Dark Knight was the serious scene with the line ‘The darkest hour is always before the dawn,’ because the guy behind me whispered ‘That is sooo true.’”
—My friend Meg
A Senator and a General Laughed At Me
I was an AmeriCorps volunteer in a program called City Year from the age of 17 until I was 19. My role was to administer after-school programs and a service-learning club for KR Smith Elementary School in San Jose, Ca. I did 3,600 hours of volunteer service.
At the end of my first year, Americorps faced huge budget cuts. As a result, we had a national conference in Washington DC. We went to Capitol Hill and spoke to Important People about the importance of Americorps in shifts over a period of 100 hours.
I was assigned to give my testimony to General Wesley Clark near the Washington Monument. He was, at the time, a presidential candidate.
I was really nervous (hey, I was 18 years old.) I went in a group of ten colleagues and each of us was assigned a dignitary. I was ushered to the general.
I was supposed to tell him how wonderful AmeriCorps is and why he should support it. Instead, a little bird caught my eye. A weird bird.
I shook his hand, pointed my finger, opened my mouth, and blurted,
“Look! That bird has no toes!”
General Clark said, “Excuse me?”
“That bird has no toes.” It was as if I had no control over what I was saying.
He turned around and saw the little bird, walking around on little stubs instead of feet.
“No, it doesn’t”, he said. Then he threw his head back and laughed. He shook my hand heartily and walked away. He stood next to and whispered into the ear of Senator Hillary Clinton, who had just spoken to my friend Cortnie. They both looked at me and giggled.
It has been five years and none of my friends who had witnessed this will let me live it down.
I’m laughing so hard right now.
- Devin: (humming an unrecognizable tune)
- Me: What song is that?
- Devin: Big Willie Style. Some of us listened past the hits.
“This week Starbucks is unveiling a new drink called a Vivanno. Apparently ‘Vivanno’ is the Italian word for ‘you just wasted $8.’”
—
Conan O’Brien’s monologue last night.
p.s. price of Vivanno is less than $4 - wish me luck today!
(via 147xxxx)
I love me some Vivanno. Even if it were $8, I’d be into it, mostly because I’m gullible to marketing schemes and it tastes like an orange julius. Delicious.
