My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under...– Jack Handy
Me: My new license picture is so bad the DMV pretty much declared me "Ugliest Person In the World."
Nick: Hey now, there's no way they could determine that.
Dear President Obama:
notthatkindagay: In the words of the Joker from The Dark Knight “What happened? Did, did your balls drop off?” Homosexually yours, NTKG
Did you just tell people not to hold a grudge? Because you’re the catholic...– Jon Stewart to the Pope. (via asprettyasasong)
WHAT A WEEKEND!
tomoatmeal: I was drinking out of this glass earlier and I guess I misplaced it because when I got thirsty again, the glass was nowhere to be found. As I was reaching for a new glass, my friend Ricky was like, “Isn’t that your glass over there?” I looked over and sure enough, there was my original glass sitting next to the toaster! I wish every weekend could be this exciting, but then again, I...
Me: If I joined a street gang, could my name be Sparkles?
Whenever I’m out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a...– Jim Gaffigan
I can has gout!– My little brother
Me: I kind of want one of those three-wheeled motorcycles.
Tona: Noooo! Those are only for the world's fattest twins to ride around the circus.
“Did you also shave your V for Vagina?”
Yo mama is so attractive she could be on the cover of Prevention.– McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Respectful Yo Mama Jokes. (via sufferingforfashion) (via enjoli)
Flattered, I'm sure.
Brother's coworker: I saw your sister today.
Brother: Oh yeah?
Brother's coworker: Yeah, she was wearing a leopard print skirt and a bra.
Brother: That was a hooker.
Brother's coworker: Oh.
whitewhine: “All the real pirates in the news are making it hard to aggregate news about digital piracy.” -Whine by Brad
From my 14-year-old bro's new tumblr:
Kid behind me: Cuyler!
Me: (turning to face him)
Kid behind me: (as i turn to him) My balls are hanging out!
Kid behind me: OH! you looked! your gay!
Get your Brad Garrett sitcoms right, dumbass.– Nick