It is a strange world, and if a man and a woman love each other, that is strange...– Wolcott Gibbs, “Death in the Rumble Seat”
Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d...– Woody Allen
Don’t tell women to smile. No woman has ever said to another woman, “Smile!” But...– “1001 Things I Hate”, [redacted] (via warmgun) (via dandywolves)
A hammock is like a giant net for catching lazy people.– Jim Gaffigan (via punchlines)
A lot of people look up at the stars and feel cold and alone. I’ve never...– My dad
I kind of tend to stay up late just about every night, anywhere from 12:30 a.m....– Roz Chast (via Wendy Brandes)
Me: My friend at Glamour wants to interview me for an article about secret makeout moves, but I can't think of any.
My mom: You could tell her about the time Dad got up in the middle of the night and kicked me because he was dreaming that I was an escaped monkey.
Me: Umm, yeah, I'll definitely try to sell Glamour on the "escaped monkey kick."
My mom: Technically it would be the Celebes Black Ape Kick.
If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe...– Doug Larson (via simko)
chloabelle: iammattjordan: Fall Out Boy - She’s...
People who talk about their dreams are actually trying to tell you things about...– Chuck Klosterman (via indieandyy) (via tulletulle)
I’d watch that dude do anything, I’d watch that dude have sex with my wife at...– Director Kevin Smith on Chris Pine (via fuckyeahgq) (via tulletulle)
Sitwell: The only thing I ask is, out of the 450 homes we build, one be given to a disadvantaged family from the inner city.
Gob: That’s great. So the other 449 families live in fear? Is that what we’re saying?!
The Time My Brother Ate a Bird-Rabbit, and other... →
I stayed at that same school for five more years, which is forever when you are...– Margaret Cho