“When you’re riding in a time machine far into the future, don’t stick your elbow out the window, or it’ll turn into a fossil.” —Jack Handy
- Me: What's your worst fear?
- Nick: Accidentally killing someone. What's yours?
- Me: That as I age my head will just keep growing, like John Travolta.
- Me: I have a confession to make. I had a dream last night that I made out with a police officer. He was holding a rope made out of goat hair and I wanted to have sex with him but he said he needed to go home to his wife.
- Nick: That is ridiculous. Where did he get a rope of goat fur?
- Me: He was a goat farmer in his spare time.
- Nick: Do you know how long it would take to weave a rope of goat fur?
- Me: A long time?
- Nick: A damn long time.
“If someone were to harm my family,a friend or someone I love, I would eat them. I might go to jail for five hundred years, but I would eat them.” —
- George Bluth: It's not what it looks like.
- Lucille Bluth: It looks like you're tweaking her nipples through a chain link fence.
- George Bluth: Yep. Yeah, that's it.