January 2010
“When you’re riding in a time machine far into the future, don’t...”
– Jack Handy
Me: What's your worst fear?
Nick: Accidentally killing someone. What's yours?
Me: That as I age my head will just keep growing, like John Travolta.
Me: I have a confession to make. I had a dream last night that I made out with a police officer. He was holding a rope made out of goat hair and I wanted to have sex with him but he said he needed to go home to his wife.
Nick: That is ridiculous. Where did he get a rope of goat fur?
Me: He was a goat farmer in his spare time.
Nick: Do you know how long it would take to weave a rope of goat fur?
Me: A long time?
Nick: A damn long time.
“If someone were to harm my family,a friend or someone I love, I would eat them....”
– Johnny Depp
(via littlemissangie)
George Bluth: It's not what it looks like.
Lucille Bluth: It looks like you're tweaking her nipples through a chain link fence.
George Bluth: Yep. Yeah, that's it.
“I’m the James Cameron of dicks.”
– Devin
“Fish don’t blink. Which is the main eye defense. If you’re ever trying to get...”
– David Mitchell
(via schbank) (via ryandoescomedy)
“…any legislative moves with this Democratic party and this Republican party are...”
– Andrew Sullivan
(via doublethink, mikehudack) (via azspot) (via robot-heart-politics)
Nick: You're like that mutant grandma who says "It will all be over soon" and then hisses and climbs up the wall.
Me: Thanks.
“My insiders say O’Brien’s reps didn’t want him to do it. “They were not...”
– The Statement - Deadline.com (via slippy)
Everyone cries.
(via molls)
