I’m a big cheese fan, I love cheese! I can lose it on the cheese. I’ve got...– Dominic Howard (via asphyxiatedmuser)
Me: Who do people say you look like?
Nick: Bill Murray. David Hasselhoff. DJ Qualls.
Me: OK, everything you just said was a lie.
They have to parachute hipsters into an area 15 years ahead of time, and many of...– Conan O’Brien
I would rather work the rest of my life on a real farm than play FarmVille.– Bob
Me: All we do is watch Celine Dion videos, dance around, and make ugly faces.
Nelson: What more is there to life?
Devin: One time Dr. Phil and his family were in the car, and one of his sons said something mean to the mom, so Dr. Phil pulled the car over and he looked straight into his eyes and said, 'If you ever disrespect my wife again..."
Me: Are you crying?
Devin: Shut up! No!
Me: Oh my god, you totally are.
I’m an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.– Mitch Hedberg
Nick: One of my coworkers brought leftover chili for lunch today and was really adamant that I try some.
Me: I feel like chili is the one food that whenever people make it, they feel the need to brag about it.
Nick: Oh my god, that's so true.
Me: It's like, "I made a great batch of chili last night!" or "I added cilantro to my chili and it was divine!" No one in history has ever just made a pot of chili and then shut the fuck up about it.
When you look annoyed all the time, people think you’re busy.– George Costanza
Nick: I'm just gonna come right out and say it: I don't like Christian Bale.
Me: I'm just gonna come right out and say it: you can suck a cock.
murmurtheblues: John Lennon - Instant Karma why...
An integral part of any relationship is knowing that you could be killed in your...– Trent Reznor