“Sometimes coming over to your apartment is like when Shelly Duvall opens that door in The Shining and sees the guy in the dog mask giving the old man a blowjob.” —My brother Devin
“Turns out there are douchers in England too. They just have accents.” —Nelson
- George: Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch at home?
- Kramer: Well, why go to a fine restaurant when you could just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite when you could just pop a pill?
“The only things that make me cry are dogs and documentaries.” —Molly
“Will you check David Fincher’s wikipedia page and see if he’s ever gotten his balls stuck in a stapler?” —Nick