February 2011
January 2011
Nick: I'm gonna make a clown costume for my penis.
Me: Well that's the worst thing I've ever heard.
“There’s something about Colin Firth crying that makes me wanna take my...”
– Becca
Union Busting
My friend Kyle got back from London almost a month ago but he didn’t give me the Union Jack sunglasses until yesterday. They were wrapped up in a sock, tucked into a dress shoe, sitting in his closet, long forgotten after the epic journey back home from his study abroad.
When he finally remembered their hiding place and presented me with my overdue Christmas gift, I screamed with glee and...
Me: You're funny.
Nick: No I'm not. You know who's funny? Shia Lebeouf.
“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at...”
– Demetri Martin
(via fetchingalexis)
Me: Idea: a spin-off of the Make-A-Wish foundation for sexual fantasies.
Devin: Better idea: solar-powered sex toys for people who live on roofs.
“I’m not the kind of guy who has a huge weight problem. But I am the kind...”
– Mike Birbiglia
Me: I have the name of another man written in a heart with permanent marker on my wrist, so, like, don't read anything into it.
Nick: OK.
Me: That went a lot smoother than I anticipated.
Me: I was about to put my phone in my vagina cuz of the pics your mom sent me this morning.
Kyle: Best text ever.
