I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into...– Mitch Hedberg (via cocainexkisses)
Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover...– Dave Barry
Me: Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with life, you know? The stress builds up and I don't know how to handle it and--
Nick: I'm really sorry to interrupt, but I think I just saw a walrus wearing human clothes.
Me: Why do I have to hurry?
Nelson: Because that's how life works. Always hurry, then die.
And yet the only exciting life is the imaginary one.– Virginia Woolf, 21 April 1928
Did you hear the news? About Dad and Bob and the underwear and the chicken?– Worst story intro ever, by my mom today
Me: I had a dream that I had sex with a very depressed fat man in the desert and the only reason we stopped was because I saw a human skeleton under a rock and I'm so, so sorry!
Nick: I had a dream you became the queen of England.
Me: Oh my god your dream is so much nicer than mine.
We will know it’s the future when money is called “credits.– Bob