February 2011
“I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into...”
– Mitch Hedberg (via cocainexkisses)
“Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover...”
– Dave Barry
Me: Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with life, you know? The stress builds up and I don't know how to handle it and--
Nick: I'm really sorry to interrupt, but I think I just saw a walrus wearing human clothes.
Nelson: Hurry!
Me: Why do I have to hurry?
Nelson: Because that's how life works. Always hurry, then die.
“And yet the only exciting life is the imaginary one.”
– Virginia Woolf, 21 April 1928
“Did you hear the news? About Dad and Bob and the underwear and the chicken?”
– Worst story intro ever, by my mom today
This Morning.
Me: I had a dream that I had sex with a very depressed fat man in the desert and the only reason we stopped was because I saw a human skeleton under a rock and I'm so, so sorry!
Nick: I had a dream you became the queen of England.
Me: Oh my god your dream is so much nicer than mine.
“We will know it’s the future when money is called “credits.”
– Bob
